Simply Me

The last 7 days have been the most stressful days in a long long time. So many things piled up on each other and dealing with them was not easy. From school to work to family to personal problems, I don’t think I’ve ever felt the way I did. I wanted to literally pull my hair out. I wanted to cry from the stress.

Gonna go and take stress management classes. Hah.

Also, thank you Frank for keeping me sane this past week. I would’ve ripped my face off.

The agony is over. We were there for an hour and it was bad…

I would never bring my dog to the Spectrum. He’s way too hyper and when he’s hyper, he doesn’t listen to anyone. Stubborn ass dog.

Time to drop that mofo at the house and go eat without him.

It’s 5pm on a Saturday night and my parents want to go to a local outdoor mall (the Spectrum). I have a 2-page American Studies term paper I need to write (for which the subject has not been determined yet because I’m procrastinating my ass off) and I need to write a 9-page History term paper.

I need to write the 2-pager by midnight so I can have my professor go over it before its due date in 5 days. The 9-pager however is due Monday, latest by 5pm.

So I really should be writing my 2-page paper but instead my family is going to the Spectrum, which hasn’t happened since 2006 or probably some other ridiculous amount of time. It’s a Saturday night meaning that a lot of people from my high school will probably be there. I know this sounds very teenager, but “ugh kill me now.”

Would I rather be at home writing a paper about something regarding American Studies or out with my parents at the Spectrum?

I’d rather be home. Then I would be doing something productive. And free from potential embarrassment.

Wish me luck.

One minute, they say sweet and caring words to you. “Definitely think we were supposed to meet.” “I want you.” “You were too cute!”

The next minute, they turn the other way and all of a sudden doesn’t want a relationship anymore.

How very Janus-faced.

Can’t trust boys anymore. I need a man. I need a man who isn’t confused. I need a man who won’t play with my feelings. I need a man who means everything he says and is completely honest with me.

A rare find. Gotta say I doubt I’ll ever find him.

Should have known that there’s always a catch to someone who seems so perfect.

There’s always a catch.

You know, it kind of pains me inside to see so many of my friends in happy relationships. But don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad that they’re happy and that they’re together; so perfect together. It gives me hope. 

But at the same time, it hurts. 

I want that so badly. But I don’t need it. I’d just prefer to be in someone’s company, giving me so much attention just for me. He wants me in his life and I want him in mine. It would be wonderful to have that.

I have no doubt in my mind that I will find someone perfect for me. Granted, it may take a while, years even. But that day will come. I have sooo much faith in that. Especially because my best friend, whom I would hang out with nearly every day of my life, has now found a boy who, oddly enough, I actually approve of (which isn’t very often), who do I call when I need to talk to someone? 

My friends and I joke around and say that my best friend and I are like the same person. We say the same responses at the same time, think the exact same things, we pretty much are the same person. I’m not afraid of losing her. I’m just afraid that she’ll spend most of her time with him and prefer to hang with him than me. Granted, I know that she’ll spend a lot of her time with him. I don’t expect anything less. 

If it’s a joke that we are the same person, why do I feel like a part of me is missing? 

Ever since they got together, I don’t feel the same like I used to. Me not having a boyfriend, her getting one, me wanting one so badly but not willing to lower my standards (which I won’t)… everything just makes me want to cry. 

It’ll take some time to get used to her spending the majority of the time with him. I want school to start, not just because I’m excited for my classes, but because I need a distraction. 

I’m the kind of person who keeps most of his deep, inner problems to himself. If it were anybody else, I would share this with my best friend. But since it’s her, I really don’t have anyone to talk to. Or at least, I don’t feel like I do… 

But like I said before, I’m not going to lower my standards just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I will wait to have the right person. I won’t waste my time with the immature fools in between. 

I feel like crying. Normally, I would call her, meet up with her (she lives a few houses down), and cry on her shoulder. 

Now I have no one’s shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes, you just gotta nap and get over it.

So good night, tumblr. I apologize for the rant.