Today I watched a short film about two old women in love. Its set in the 50’s so homosexuality isn’t really accepted. They have to hide their love from everyone. Then one night, one of them has a stroke and passes away.
Then since they’re not married, the one alive has no legal rights & is being neglected by the hospital. She didn’t even tell them that they were in love.
She is forced to contact a relative of the deceased lover & the nephew is a jerk. Since they weren’t married, they didn’t own the house together which they’ve been living in for over 30 years. The nephew wanted to sell the house and take all of the possessions of the deceased lover. She still didn’t tell them they were in love.
She ended up leaving the house. She ended up giving away all of her lovers’ possessions and memories they’ve shared together to keep their forbidden love a secret.
After seeing the 30 minute movie, I turned the tv off and started to cry my eyes out. It was the saddest movie I have ever seen. It made me realize that I didn’t want to hide my homosexuality from my family anymore. I was so tempted to text my mom and brother that I was gay. I ended up only texting my brother. I had a draft saved on my phone simply saying “Alex, I’m gay.” I didn’t send it for 30 minutes but I sent it in the end.
He didn’t give me a direct opinion. He said things like “I don’t think you should tell them (mom & dad)” and “I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now through texting. we’ll talk when you get home.” From these, I inferred that me being gay was a bad thing. I felt beyond horrible for the rest of the night. Thankfully I was with friends and was distracted for most of the night.
When I got home around 11:15pm, I just wanted to go to my bed and sleep. I was mentally exhausted. Then he texts me “come here.” I’m freaking out at this point because I don’t like confrontation, especially with my brother, especially about this subject matter. He said “how long have you known?” I said “since I was little, do you care?” And he replied “it doesn’t matter.” As soon as he said those words my mind was clear & I felt so relieved. I felt so happy inside that he was okay with my homosexuality. I couldn’t stop smiling.
I went back to my room feeling so content. I can now go to bed knowing that my brother is okay with me being gay :)
Lying here reading Samurai’s Garden, I feel so alone. More alone than I have felt in such a long time.
I talked to this guy I liked today. And by talked, I mean I asked him whether the volleyball game was over and he said yes. He’s a sophomore & I’m a senior. He’s so cute. I don’t know him at all and he doesn’t know me. I just know I find him attractive & he has a sweet-sounding voice.
Talking to this guy, I realized I really do want someone to hold and cuddle with and kiss. When I talked to this guy, I didn’t say “Hey Cody, did the volleyball game end?” I didn’t say his name. I knew his full name. I just didn’t want to say it in fear that I might come off as a creep. Thinking about it 4 hours later, I should have said his name. He then would’ve asked me “do I know you? How do you know my name?” I would said something like “oh we’re friends on facebook.”
Anyways, I keep thinking what would’ve happened if we talked just that much more rather than the mere, insufficient 10 seconds I did. What’s done is done. I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want my heart broken. Not again.
But I want somebody I can put my head on, I want somebody I can join hands with, I want somebody I can say “I love you” to. I want somebody to hold and cuddle with and kiss.