I can’t help myself but cry a little every time I think about it.
It’s not like I invested a lot of my time into the relationship while he just pretended to care. It’s not like I actually wanted to go out with him and put an effort into the relationship. He just sat there and watched while he fucked with me.
We went out twice. Were “going out” for only 3 weeks. Yet he has made me such a mess.
Today, I didn’t go out at all. Except to have lunch with my parents. But I was in such a horrible mood. I knew it was because of the simple fact that I was single again. Having someone to hold and kiss was amazing, and having that taken away from me just sucks. Not only that, but knowing that he didn’t really care for me the way I cared for him hurt too. Knowing that he was toying with my heart for who knows how long. That’s the worst part about it. He was toying with my heart. That’s the worst.
I was upset all day. I knew it was about him but wasn’t exactly too sure why. But talking to Zania, this could be the reason: him and I were dating. We had the chance to become boyfriends, a couple. That really would have made me so happy. To have a boyfriend. Being able to call someone mine. The thought of that makes me so happy. But having that opportunity taken away like that broke my heart. Or at least tore it up a bit. Gave it a good beating.
I don’t want to sound any kinds of arrogant or pompous, but I know I can be a good boyfriend. I know that communication is the key to a successful relationship and I was telling everything to him. But he wasn’t reciprocating the love. I know that when I do find a guy who treats me right, I will treat him just as well if not better. Dammit I deserve a guy who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. He did nothing close to that. He was fucking toying with my feelings. Fuck you. I still want to be friends with you but fuck you for doing that to me.
Now I need to move onto the next guy, which happens to be the guy I liked before I went out with this guy. So I’ll ask him to lunch during the break. Ask him to hang out. Before school starts again, I’ll have a boyfriend. Ha. I wish. I hope. But I was fine before this guy came a long so I’ll be just fine without him.
The guy I was seeing, we’re done. Why? Well I’m glad you asked.
This was his first relationship. This was my… 7th relationship. (Damn -_-). I actually tried to make this relationship work out but he didn’t. I tried asking him out but he never made the time for me. He’s a nice and sweet guy but he’s so innocent and naive. He’s so much more inexperienced than I am. At least I tried and made an effort.
I need an older man, a more mature man. I need this other guy. He’s 23 and much more mature and experienced than the guy I was seeing. This was also the guy that I had previously mentioned in past posts. So it’s not like it’s a random guy I don’t know. I’m getting to know him better.
I just need a more mature man. I may be 18 but I sure as hell don’t act like it.
I’m a caring person, sometimes too caring. And if you can’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated then you don’t belong with me.
I like you a lot. I really do. Telling me that you like me too is one thing but showing it is another. I want this relationship to work out, I really do. I want the whole world to see how happy we’ll be together. But if you can’t show me any of that, as much as you want to show me, then I can’t put myself through this.
I want to believe that you will open up to me, feel more comfortable when you’re around me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. You’re just not giving me anything to believe it yet.
For my sake, I hope you really do care and are able to show me just how much you do.
For the past 7 hours, I was wondering why I was so sad. I just didn’t feel the same happiness I usually feel. I wasn’t sure why. I was quiet. I liked the silence over the music I normally play while driving to school. Nothing felt like it should.
Then not too long ago, I realized why I felt this way.
This morning, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was at some showing in a theater. I remember seeing many of my friends, however I was sitting alone in the back right. I remember seeing ET. During the intermission however, I didn’t get up. I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sit in my seat and mope because I wasn’t feeling like doing anything. I felt like being to myself in my own silence. Then not long later, I saw that ET had come next to me to give me a hug. I really needed that hug. I need a hug right now in fact. When the intermission was over, he went back to his seat.
I find this so sad. ET is shy. He is new to the whole intimate atmosphere and just isn’t used to it yet and still doesn’t feel comfortable when he’s around me. He said he will in time, but you all know that it sucks to wait for something like this. Every time we’re hanging out, which has only effing been twice because of his busy schedule, I am the one to initiate the hand holding or the kissing.
So why did I find this dream so sad you might wonder? Because I long for the day when ET holds my hand and kisses me. I long for the day where I don’t have to keep dreaming about it to happen when it’s so easily obtainable. This dream made me sad and I didn’t even realize it until 7 hours after I woke up. This dream brought down my spirits for the rest of the day. Tonight is the Queer Straight Alliance meeting where I first met ET. Tonight, in 2 hours, we are having a potluck. Normally, I look forward to these meetings but tonight, I do not feel like going. I just want to go home and mope some more and take a nap or something.
I want to see ET too but he’s so fucking shy it kills me inside. It kills me knowing that he wants to hold my hand and kiss me but he’s too shy to do so.
I told him a couple days ago that I will not kiss him again until he kisses me.
For the past 2 weeks, I have been blowing through the television show Dexter. In the past 2 weeks, I have finished 3 seasons of the show.
*SPOILER ALERT, kinda*
Long story short, I got attached to the characters pretty quickly. I believe it’s called the Para-social theory, where the audience is connected to the characters of a show and feel as if they are in their circle of friends. I’ve become very attached to the show as well. It’s a great show I recommend it, if you’re into that.
My point in writing this post is actually to let you guys know and to restate the 5-minutes-ago discovered epiphany.
I just finished watching the season 3 finale of Dexter. (Here’s the spoiler kind of): Dexter gets married to his girlfriend. They’ve been dating since the beginning of the show. When they got married, they said their vows to each other. The simple “I promise to be the best husband and father I can be” and “I love you. I marry you” got me thinking, and got me to tear up a little bit.
Thinking about this, seeing how happy they were. The smiles, the laughter, the friends, the family. It made me smile.
I never thought too much about me getting married. When people asked me “do you want to get married one day?” I just replied “yeah of course.” But that was it.
But watching Dexter and Rita get married made me think about myself. I was so happy for them that it made me cry. I can only dream of the joy in their hearts when their friends and family stood up to applause their joining in holy matrimony. I want to feel that joy one day. I really, really do.
I have yet to experience real love, whatever the hell that might be. But when I do, I know that it will be amazing and I know that there won’t be any feeling like it. It breaks my heart knowing that two people in love cannot get married because of their gender. It breaks my heart knowing that although two people of the same sex cannot get married right now, it will happen within my life time. I know it.
Watching this episode made me realize that I want to one day get married to the man I love. One day, I want to be able to say my vows to him and know that he will always be there for me like I will be there for him. One day I want to say “I will love you forever.”
I’m sitting in my math class 4 floors above the ground struggling to pay attention to my foreign-accented professor. I’m hoping that some inspiration will come to me so that I’ll be able to write a post. I can’t seem to concentrate.
I cannot begin to explain the depths of my abhorrence towards this class. The professor is hilarious but he can’t explain for shit sometimes. His inability to properly speak grammatically-correct sentences for one bugs me, but also inhibits his ability to teach. His poor communication skills make it extremely difficult for me to pay attention, as I’m sure the rest of the class agrees with me.
For some strange reason, he likes to be referred to as a teacher rather than a professor.
He’s a nice person and seems very fragile but I can’t help but say that I will not miss him one bit.
P.S. He prefers for us to call him Fred rather than professor Pirniakin.
P.S.S. He has grey hair but his eyebrows are black. Just seems odd to me.
Nothing like a good argument to lighten the mood. (insert sarcasm here)
My best friend broke up with this guy. Obviously, she told me everything. He can’t expect me to not know anything about the issue. He’s not backing off and still wants to be friends. She doesn’t want to be friends with him.
I’m trying to explain it to him as calmly as I can and as least offensive as I can. He starts to question our friendship. Do not fucking turn this on me.
I am standing my ground and am not afraid to tell him how it is. Yes, there are things I don’t like about you. Those are not reasons for us to not be friends so don’t go fucking assuming things and judging my ass because you are not my priority. I have more important people to care about I’m sorry you can’t understand that.
Once you turn it on me, there is no going back. I will shut you down. I will tear you apart. I will make you regret it and I will make you apologize. I have done nothing wrong.
I’ve got a confession to make. Tumblr may not be the best place to confide in but I will anyways.
First things first, for the purposes of security, I will give the boy I’m seeing another name. I’m going to call him ET. Just because.
Confession time I guess. So I’ve been seeing this guy for a week now but I’ve known him for months. Before we actually decided to go out, this guy was all talk. He was saying things so openly and freely and he didn’t sound nervous about this at all. I was his first kiss and if we’re at that point his first boyfriend. You would think he would be nervous. But that’s because he had the chance to hide behind technology, like how every friendship develops with my generation.
He was all talk. I try to mean what I say and say what I mean. However true this may be, not all words fit to their meaning. Sometimes what is said is not what is meant and what is meant is left unsaid.
So I try to show what I mean.
I hold his hand.
I hug him.
I kiss him.
He never initiates any of the hand holding or the hugs or the kisses. I’m sure you know what I mean when I say that it would be a nice change for him to take the initiative. It’s always me.
That being said, it’s obvious that he’s all talk and no show. However it’s because I’m his first anything. He’s opened up to me through texting but he needs time to open up to me when we’re face to face. I understand that he needs time. I’m a tad impatient. So it’s hard for me to wait for him to feel comfortable with me, in person at least.
But because of my dear friend Erica, she’s made me realize that although it seems that he might not physically care, I know that he does and that when he does open up, it’ll all be worth it in the end.
It’s one of those moments where I feel I need to write something. Not because I feel I have to but because I want to and I’m just in one of those writing moods that doesn’t come too often unfortunately.
Today was a pretty nice day. Well more like it was a nice evening. During the day I did nothing exciting but have my mom talk to me while I’m on the computer only to have her fall asleep lying sideways on my tiny twin-sized bed.
I went to see Harry Potter finally tonight. Now if you know me well enough, I’m not a cocky person. Or if I say something that sounds pompous, it’s only because I’m joking. I don’t have a problem with my body at all. I mean there can be improvements: abs, legs, arms, the list goes on. But I mean in terms of muscle. There’s nothing about my body that I hate. That being said, while preparing to go out tonight, I saw myself in the mirror with a tank top on (yeah, I wear a tank top. Only cos I wanted to wear an extra layer… and I like the way it looks on me), and I was like “damn.” Cos I thought I looked good. At least my body did, I guess it’s because of the tight-fitting tank top I was wearing, but I liked my body. I don’t have too buff arms or 6-pack abs and I like it that way (though I could do with the abs).
Muscles aside, I had a great night! We went to Red Robins for dinner and it was nice catching up with my girlfriends! I never say “girlfriends” but I found it fitting. It was a great meal and of course, someone had to make a fool of herself by dropping her cards and cash while getting up to leave. Nothing but a normal day with Briana.
We went and watched Harry Potter and I thought it was good. I mean, I wish there was a bit more dueling going on but it was good. I haven’t read the books because I never was that much of a fan. Seeing different scenes on the screen than in their mind made my friends a tad disappointed.
After the movie, we met up with other friends at Donut star. To be quite honest, I felt way more comfortable when I was just with my girlfriends. When the guys showed up, I just had no interest in talking with them. Why? Because when I’m with the girls, I feel like I can just be myself and no one will judge me. But simply the fact that I am a guy, merely talking with the guys makes me feel like they’re expecting me to be “cool” and “chill” and “straight-acting” whatever the fuck that means even though I know that they don’t care. At least that’s the case with one of them.
So I’m glad that Briana had to go. Not because she was going to leave but because I was going with her. I wanted to leave. I just wanted to go home to the comfortable haven, at times confinement, in which I call my room. To the tiny twin-sized bed that I love to sleep in more than ever because the guy I’m seeing, Eric, lied down in that bed. To my computer in which I can hide behind and refrain from actually seeing the faces that I love so dearly (Insert sarcasm here).
To my room in which I can simply be myself. Why do I come home so late sometimes? Because my parents are asleep. I love them dearly believe me, but you know how it is. Parents can be so irritating when showing their love for us that it drives me insane! So I come home late to avoid talking to them. Which is one of my main driving forces for me to get the fuck out of this house and live on my own (with a roommate of course).
For the past couple weeks or so, I’ve been listening to a song that I recently discovered called Hold My Heart by Sara Bareilles. It’s a beautiful song. The meaning for the song fit at the time, before I met Eric. But now that I’ve been seeing him, I’ve changed that song that I keep on repeat, that song I listen to while I begin to fall asleep. I’ve changed that song to Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. I’ve known this song for some time now but It feels so fitting now. There’s actually someone I actually think of and don’t feel so alone.
"And I lie awake and miss you. Cause I’ll doze off safe and soundly but I’ll miss your arms around me. The silence isn’t so bad till I look at my hands and feel sad, cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly."
Who’d ever think that I would be able to apply these lyrics to my own life? You know, a couple days ago, Eric text me “I miss how perfectly your fingers fit in between mine.”
My life is just great. Everything is going the way it’s supposed to be and I am fucking loving it.
I went on a date with this sweet sweet guy last Friday and it was an amazing time. We are seeing each other in 7 hours and he’s gonna come to my house and we’re gonna take a nap together. Nothing more than a nap is intended. But you know, que sera, sera.
I have this whole week off because my school is awesome like that and everyone else I know has at least 2 - 3 days of school.
My friend is become more than a friend and it’s just lovely.
Get an apartment on my own for about $900 and have my privacy? The utilities are all paid for. I’ll have my own place!
Or do I get an apartment with someone whom I don’t know too well but seems like a cool person and share a room with this guy and not have any privacy at all for $500 per month? And there’s a third roommate who gets the other bedroom.
I want my own privacy but I don’t want to pay so much… But my own privacy! If I’m going to have a guy over I need to have my own place.
That’s it. I’m going to try and get my own place! Thanks guys you all are so helpful! Thanks so much!
However if there are none available then there’s nothing I can do…
I picked up Zania today to have lunch with her. We ended up going to a food court at a local shopping center and after we met up with Briana at Chapman University. We really didn’t have anything planned for the day and somehow we ended up passing the time without too much sitting around.
We got yogurt, and drove around Orange and ended up at my school, Cal State Fullerton. We played pool for a bit and table tennis for a while. It was an awesome night.
We went to Sonic for dinner and it was so much fun. For some reason, we were acting really childish and immature (but not in a stupid way) and it was loads of fun. Definitely entertaining.
I really miss these guys and how close I really am with them. We get each other and we connect and I feel like we’re on the same level. I was being really bitchy towards Briana especially today but that’s only because I know she wouldn’t really take it to heart. Briana and I have similar taste in guys. It’s pretty awesome.
I wish that we were able to hang out more often but school has taken a big part of our time so planning an event with each other isn’t as easy as it sounds. However next Wednesday on the 24th, we’re gonna go see Harry Potter 7. We’re not crazy kids so we don’t go to the midnight showing of the movie. But that’s cool because I’ll be seeing it with friends from all over Southern California and it’ll be an amazing day I’m sure.